Nobody EVER wants to talk EVER
by WolverinesDarlin
Summary: YOu know how when you go around the Normandy and EVERYONEsays they can't talk right now, they'd talk to you later? Yeah well. Here's how Shepard feels. Rated M for Jack's language. Slight Garrus/FemShep. OneShot


I'm sure we ALL know how this is… nobody EVER wants to talk to you.

Disclaimer: I don't own ME.

MassEffect

Shepard looked around the CIC, she was bored, and she wanted to talk to someone. She decided to start with the cockpit, "Hey Joker…." She started.

"Not now Commander! EDI and I are having an argument."

"Yah but…"

"Nope, this is important." Shepard sighed and walked back down the hall to the elevator.

"EDI I don't think it should matter whether or not I have this bookmark…. It is NOT illegal!" She heard him shout at the AI.

"Jeff…" EDI started.

Shepard was about to press the button to the elevator when she stopped and turned to Kelly.

"Hey Kelly" She greeted.

"Shepard," Kelly said distracted. "Do you need something?"

"Just wondering if you wanted to talk…" Kelly ALWAYS talked to her.

"Normally I would love to… but I'm kinda busy right now." Kelly said distracted, staring at her PT.

Shepard huffed and went to the armory. "Hey Jacob!" She leaned up against the table behind him he was, as always, standing over a gun at the counter.

"Hey Shepard. What's up?"

"Just wondering how you are... and what you are up to." She shrugged looking casual.

"I'm not one to push these kind of talks Commander. We can talk later." Jacob said and started to turn back around.

'What talks?" Shepard shouted. "I'm just asking you how you are Mister Taylor, not who you last had sex with. Or what you think about your dad! I'm just asking you a simple 'how are you'!"

Jacob looked at her stunned for a moment. "Later Shepard." He said and refocused on his gun.

Shepard huffed and threw her arms up in the air before slapping her hands on her thighs, getting away from the table she went to the lab.

"Mordin! What ya up to?" She asked hoping that she sounded happy and not pissed.

"Shepard? Busy, working on cure for pilot's disease. Is this quick?" He paused for a moment, "no no no that won't do. Causes hallucinations and vomiting. Must start over." Mordin shook his head and turned around, back facing her as he started to run different tests, adding or subtracting certain things.

Shepard shook her head and pressed the button for Engineering Deck, on the way down she tapped her foot to the beat of the elevator music.

"Tali!" Shepard said happily, glad to see her friend.

"Hey Shepard," Tali said, still looking at her console.

"Have a minute to talk?" Shepard skipped a little to her friend's side and held her hands behind her back.

"I really need to get these engines cleaned, Shepard, maybe another time."

Shepard nodded numbly before walking out and going down to Jack's 'Hidey Hole'

"Hey Jack…" She greeted.

"Back off Shepard, we all know you're just pissin' around. Why don't you go bother someone else." Jack went from sitting on the edge of her bed to laying down, her arms under her head.

"Ugh! Fine!" Shepard threw her hands up in the air and headed to the Cargo Hold.

Shepard drew in a deep breath. "Hey Grunt!" She said.

"Not now Shepard." Grunt said simply.

"GAH!" She stormed out of the Elevator and towards Zaeed.

"Hey got any war stories?" She asked desperately, talking to him wasn't a favorite thing for her to do, but she was growing desperate.

"What do I look like your dad? You need a bed time story every night?" Zaeed shot. "Come back later." Zaeed said.

Shepard sighed and made her way towards the elevator. "Nobody EVER wants to talk." Shepard slammed the button for the elevator and walked in and pressed for the Crew Quarters/Mess Hall.

She thought about blasting the elevator speakers for playing the damn elevator music again but decided against it.

Shepard muttered under her breath as she exited the elevator, she saw the Life Support door, "Thane would want to talk to me right?" She walked to the door and opened it.

"Hey Thane… You got a moment?"

"I'm meditating on our last discussion. Maybe later." Thane shook his head.

Shepard scoffed as she turned around and left, "_I'm Meditating!" _She mocked and moved to Samara's door.

"Shepard." Samara greeted before she even said anything.

"Samara." Shepard smiled, glad that someone was willing to speak with her.

"I'm meditating Shepard. If you wish to meditate, join me, but I am in no mood to talk."

Shepard bit back her yell of frustration, and stormed out.

"Kasumi! Wanna have a drinking contest?" Shepard said as soon as she walked in the thief's room.

Kasumi shook her head, reliving memories with Keji, using her grey box.

"Oh…" Shepard understood why SHE didn't want to talk. She quietly walked out, whispering her apology.

Once the door was closed she couldn't help but bang her head into the wall though.

"Miranda…" She whispered making her way to the Cheerleaders Office. She opened the door and smiled.

"Hey Miranda!"

"Shepard, what is it?"

"Just wondering if you had a minute." She smiled again.

"I have a lot of work to do Shepard, maybe another time."

Shepard didn't withhold her growl this time, allowing it to emanate from her throat. "FINE! BE THAT WAY!" Shepard was pissed. She had the biggest damn squad team in the damn galaxy and NONE of them wanted to talk! Not Even Kelly or Joker.

She moved to the cook, Rupert. "Hey…"

"Not now. I gotta get this recipe right." He cut her off.

Shepard opened her mouth but reclosed it and pursed her lips, moving to the med station.

"Hey Chakwas… I-oh my god!" She turned around and back again not sure if she should just leave or what. "I… er… I shoulda knocked. I'm sorry." Shepard stared wide eyed at the surgery, which had one of her crewmembers cut open with Chakwas' hands stuck in his chest.

"What the hell happened?" She asked.

"Scalpel," Chakwas ordered the synthetic robot, Legion. "He got shot." She explained shortly. "And before you ask, Legion was the only person available. My nurse has shore leave, due to a family death."

"Right. Moving on. Talk to you later Chakwas…" She wasn't sure why his entire chest needed to be opened up just because he got shot but she wasn't going to ask. Medical practice wasn't her thing., she opened the door and left immediately.

She turned towards the main battery, staring at the closed door before sprinting desperately to it and opening it.

"Garrus! Can we talk?"

Garrus didn't even turn around, "Can it wait, Shepard? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"GAH!" Shepard screamed. "No it can't wait. You and I are talking RIGHT now."

Garrus turned around instantly at her scream, "Shepard wha-" he was interrupted by a blinking red light and a shrill alarm.

"Oh damn." Garrus turned back around, "There is a problem with the main gun." He started to type furiously at the keyboard, "It's going to have to wait, Shepard."

"You… but… DAMN IT!"

Shepard screamed in frustration before leaving the Main Battery to the Elevator, and up to her room.

MassEffect

Garrus turned around and smiled. He opened up the common channel for all the crew members, "Alright she lost it, officially. She's up in her room. Good job everyone, very impressive."

"Game on." Joker said into his omni tool.

Everyone left their distractions behind, most of them not really distractions.

Kasumi turned off her grey box.

Thane and Samara stopped their 'meditations'.

Jacob and Mordin let their lab stations.

Kelly, Joker, Tali and EDI all left their usual terminals and went up to the crew deck.

Miranda came out of her office with tons of streamers and confetti. "I still t hink this is a waste of resources" she muttered, unheard by the rest of the excited crew.

Chakwas and Legion stopped performing, and a hot and sweating Hawthorn popped up from under the 'bloody' sheet. "Go take a shower." Chakwas ordered, "And thanks for helping Legion." She thanked the Synthetic, who didn't reply.

Rupert is the only one who didn't stop performing his 'distraction' or 'excuse' for his was legit, he pulled out the four pizza's, two cakes, and three different types of Amino Dextro foods.

Once everything was set up, the buffet, clearly marked for no poisoning. The streamers, balloons, and confetti thrown around the mess and everyone either wearing a party hat or flower lays. The Surprise Party was set.

"We all ready?" Garrus asked.

"Ready." Kasumi smiled, her hood was gone, so she could wear the hat, her short black hair revealed to the others for the first time. "Go get 'er big guy!" She pumped her fist in the air, giving him the thumbs up.

"Right." Garrus nodded and headed for the Elevator door.

MassEffect

Shepard held her hamster in her hand, rubbing its neck softly with on finger as the little guy sat in her hand. She put on some old, 21st Century music on, the song that came on was Dierks Bentley, "How Am I Doing?". She smiled, her favorite song.

She smiled when her cat, Scoundrel, jumped up on the bed. "No Scoundrel. Down. Nibbles is not a snack." She laughed and gently nudged the little cat off the bed. The cat tried twice more before he stopped and jumped up onto the couch backrest, lying on top.

"Well Nibbles, looks like you are the only one I have to talk with…." She said quietly, sitting on her bed with her back against the head board.

She squealed when the hamster squeezed out of her hand and scurried around the bed aimlessly.

She moved to grab it but then stopped, crossing her arms. "So YOU don't wanna talk either?" She said offended.

"Well fine!" She grabbed the small rodent and placed him back into the glass cage.

She turned around and fed her fish before she plopped onto her bed face down, still bored, and now lonely.

It wasn't long before Scoundrel jumped up on the bed and settled next to her face on the bed.

"Of course my little Scoundrel still wants me…"She scowled.

"Well which one out of the two?" A voice said from behind her. She turned around to face it, lying on her back, with her arms propping her up in a semi sitting position.

"Well normally I would say I on'y know one Scoundrel, but considering today I'll have to agree with the fact there are two. and I'm referring to THIS one." She nodded towards the cat, staring at the turian stupidly. Said turian turned off her favorite song at the chorus, making her growl.

"That was the good part." She pursed her lips.

"And you said I sound like a dog when I growl." He laughed coming to sit next to her. "In case you were wondering. I fixed the problem with the main gun."

"Impressive." She half mocked.

"Mmm. Look, I'm sorry about not talking to you. How about we go get you some pizza and we can talk now…?" He asked.

Shepard tried to glare at him, but the twang in his voice and his innocent face made her stop and she scrunched up her face, squinting slightly. "Sausage and Bacon?"

"Whateeever you want." He drawled.

"Fine." She smiled, as she got off her bed, patting her small cat on the head before leaving the side of the bed.

"Great!" Garrus said, seemingly glad they 'kissed and made up'. Shepard shrugged, she wasn't mad at him to begin with but hey…

Shepard reached for the button but Garrus beat her to it, letting her enter the cab first.

He pressed the button for Mess and smiled at her. "So Sausage and Bacon then?"

"Yep" She nodded. "No better pizza, with tomato slices." She smiled.

The doors opened and Shepard still smiling as they turned the corner, which soon turned into a perfect 'O' Part of her reached for her pistol, that wasn't there. "Surprise!" The whole Normandy crew cried.

"Oh my god!"

"Happy birthday Shep!" Kasumi smiled and ran and hugged her. Followed by Tali.

"Happy birthday Shepard." Tali hugged her and placed a crown on her head.

"Thanks… but how… I didn't even tell anyone…"

"No but you DID tell your old crew." Joker smiled cheekily, referring to himself, Chakwas, Tali, and Garrus.

"We figured it could be a Birthday/'we just kicked collector ass' celebration." Garrus added from beside her.

"That's why none of us could talk to you." Hawthorne came up behind her. "And why I was pretending to be dying." He smiled.

"We all made ourselves busy so that we could set it up." Miranda explained.

"You were in on it too? But you… you're a… a"

"Cheerleader." Jack finished, coming into view.

"Exactly." Shepard stared at Miranda.

"Well we DID kick ass… and it IS your birthday. And Cerberus is a…"

"Bitch?" Jack finished again.

"Exactly, so why not?" Miranda shrugged.

Shepard laughed. "Right…." She looked around the room, at all the decorations and party hats, and FOOD! "Look at all the food!" Shepard grinned.

"Pizza included!" Garrus smiled.

"Pizza included!" Shepard said just the same before running to the table and snatching a plate, piling on pizza, and chips, and grabbing a can of root beer.

"Happy Birthday to you…" The group sang soon after as she stood in front of the cakes. One saying:

"Happy Birthday Shepard!"

The other:

"Bye-bye Collectors!"

"Happy birthday to youuuuu!" The group finished, Shepard blew out the candles as the group cheered and started pulling both cakes apart.

"Thanks everyone!" She smiled broadly at her friends.

"To you Shepard!" Jacob rose his glass in the air.

MassEffect

Shepard looked at Garrus who was already lying in bed, she was coming from the bathroom.

"It was your idea wasn't it." She smiled on top of the three stairs that separated the two floors.

"That wasn't a question." Garrus pointed out, stroking Scoundrel

"Nope."

"Yeah, it was my idea…. was it a bad one?"

"Nope."

"Was it a good one?"

"Nope."

"What was it then?"

"Fantastic!" She grinned. "I had a great time!" She walked down the stairs and kneeled down on the bed, Scoundrel jumped off the bed and ran to her desk.

"The only down side was Mordin's lecture on…"

"Don't remind me." He groaned

Shepard laughed. "Alright. I'll be nice." She smiled and flopped down next to Garrus on her stomach.

"Thanks for the party Garrus." Shepard gave him a sideways grin.

"Least I could do, glad you enjoyed it." He smiled back.

Shepard smiled and got under the blankets and allowed him to pull her close, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I'm just glad to know that I'm not hated, and that the lack of talking was only because you were planning a party…" She yawned, "and that better be the only time why you guys don't talk to me."

Garrus cleared his throat. "I love talking with you Shepard. Whenever you need to talk come to me… just don't expect me to stop calibrating. I can listen and work at the same time you know…"

"Well. We'll see about that." She yawned again and fell asleep soon after.

"Happy Birthday Shepard."

MassEffect

Wouldn't it be nice to know that the reason nobody talks to you is because they were gonna throw you a party?

Well I hope you enjoyed it!

Oh and Nibbles was the name of my hampster when I was 9 or 10... :D

And Scoundrel is in honor of my two favorite Scoundrels; Han Solo and Atton Rand.


End file.
